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| Saints [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: 300 ![[+]](img/thumb_up.gif "Rate Up") ![[-]](img/thumb_down.gif "Rate Down") | 08 May 2012 06:53pm |
| I've got a case of laughitis, the Dr says it could be lethal unless I get all the laughing out of my system within the next 48 hours... If you've got a joke, post it, the better the joke, the better the chance I will survive...And if I surivive, I'll be a very generous person, the top 3 jokes get point prizes, non-winners that post jokes will receive 25 points each (per person - not per joke) and maybe a random item from my inventory. You can post as many jokes as you'd like, but please try not to spam the thread of simply blonde jokes, little johnny jokes and chuck norris jokes - we have all heard them more then we need too and quite frankly, they stopped being funny a long time ago - everything else is fair game just try not to be too insulting if it's regarding players. Go go go! |
| Steptoe [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: 2 | 08 May 2012 06:58pm |
| David Beckham is invited to give an answer dinner talk, by the football association. He gets up and says "I really like them. The white ones are great but my favourite are the orange ones. And those little flip top boxes are brilliant". Suddenly he hears this voice which says "David! It should be about tactics not Tic Tacs" |
50 if before next friday![[avatar]](http://stream2.gifyo.com/pictures/1008/large/cbb720eb1ce08c6e839dfff211100203-854997008.gif) [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: 72 | 08 May 2012 07:02pm |
| Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming. |
| Steptoe [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: 2 | 08 May 2012 07:10pm |
| wo zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is." |
| bunny tim [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: -32 | 08 May 2012 07:15pm |
If you die can I have your account?  |
| Dartanian [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: 0 | 08 May 2012 07:39pm |
First experience horse riding A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off |
| Dartanian [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: 0 | 08 May 2012 07:40pm |
| A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars." The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..." The accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff in big denominations. This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, "Gambling." "Gambling?," he says. "What sort of gambling?" "Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?" The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!" The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, "I know what I'm doing...and I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?" "Ok, have it your way," said the president, and they shook hands on it. "See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning," said the little old lady, and with that she left. Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won. "Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" said the president. "He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?" "No, perfectly understandable," said the president. "Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily. "Not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants." The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question. "Ok, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning. "What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president. "Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today." |
Pete![[avatar]](http://www.noiseporn.com/wp-content/uploads/0e840-1024x1024-1500x1500.jpg) [inactive] Post Count: 71 Respect: 542 | 08 May 2012 08:00pm |
| what do blondes use for protection during sex? bus shelters whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? the wheel chair what do you do if you look out and see your wife running around naked and screaming in the garden? take a deep breath, and reload |
[:P] Dezza Bunny![[avatar]](http://images.mafiacrime.org/i/dezza1.png) [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: 0 | 08 May 2012 08:15pm |
| why do women have 2 sets of lips ? one to start a fight and the other to say sorry |
Thor![[avatar]](http://images.mafiacrime.org/h/Thor.jpg) [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: 0 | 08 May 2012 09:21pm |
| Why it's better to be a Woman! 1. We got off the Titanic first. 2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers. 3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours. 4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers. 5. We can cry and get off speeding fines. 6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game. 7. Taxis stop for us. 8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance. 9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. 10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point). 11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay. 12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay. 13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life. 14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower. 15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves. 16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. 17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt. 18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it. 19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. 20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute. 21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in. 22. We have the ability to dress ourselves. 23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. 24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot. 25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth. 26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. 27. We'll never regret piercing our ears. 28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. 29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark. 30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions. |
| Clint Eastwood [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: 832 | 08 May 2012 11:30pm |
|
Dezza Bunny wrote:
why do women have 2 sets of lips ?
one to start a fight and the other to say sorry this should win  |
| Quit [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: 1 | 08 May 2012 11:59pm |
| English lesson: No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that is easy to understand. Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, there is a difference. When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are --- COMPLETELY FINISHED! End of the lesson. |
| Quit [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: 1 | 09 May 2012 12:02am |
Was my first time ever And I'll Never forget I'd do it Again Without a Single regret. The sky was Dark The moon Was high We were all Alone Just she And I. Her hair Was soft Her eyes Were black I knew just What She wanted To do. Her skin so Soft Her legs so Fine I ran my Fingers Down her Spine. I didn't Know how But I tried My best I started By placing My hands on Her breast. I remember My fear My fast Beating heart But slowly She spread Her legs Apart. And when I Did it I felt no shame All at Once The white Stuff came. At last it's finished It's all Over now My first Time ever At milking A cow... |
[A1E] RAM3![[avatar]](http://i46.photobucket.com/albums/f149/rmichaud_3/ash_crazy1.gif) [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: -4 | 09 May 2012 06:12am |
| Golf and Public Restroom Similarities 10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart. 9. Form a loose grip. 8. Keep your head down. 7. Avoid a quick backswing. 6. Stay out of the water. 5. Try not to hit anybody. 4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you. 3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others. 2. Be quiet while others are about to go. 1. Keep strokes to a minimum.  |
| [A1E] RAM3 [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: -4 | 09 May 2012 06:16am |
| I went into the gas station this morning and asked for five dollars worth of gas. The clerk farted and gave me a receipt. |
[RET] WRECKED BUNNY![[avatar]](http://i.imgsafe.org/9b07c33.png) [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: 1350 | 09 May 2012 04:51pm |
| I asked 100 women at the leisure centre what shampoo they used whilst showering?? 95% replied "Get Out!" |
| [RET] WRECKED BUNNY [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: 1350 | 09 May 2012 04:54pm |
| A baby shark swimming up the coast asks his dad "why do we circle people in the water with our fins showing before we eat them? why don't we just attack".... The wise old father said... "They taste better without the shit inside them" |
| [RET] WRECKED BUNNY [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: 1350 | 09 May 2012 05:10pm |
| A young man moved into a new apartment all of his own. He went down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. Whilst there a stunning young blonde lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was obvious ... that she had nothing else on. The man broke into a sweat and tried 2 maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, i hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, " what would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, " It's got to be your ears." Astounded and a little hurt she asked, " My ears? Look at these breasts. they are a full 39 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist and look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think the best part of my body are my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered... "Outside, when you heard someone coming, that was me" |
| [RET] WRECKED BUNNY [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: 1350 | 09 May 2012 06:50pm |
| A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out in the countryside for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100...Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her the fuck back to me." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer......  |
| [dis] Mara bunny [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: 40 | 09 May 2012 10:23pm |
| husband says : honey soak your clothes in slim fast you'll get rid of the back fat the next morning husband says : honey I got dust in my underwear wife says : that's not dust in your underwear. its miracle grow |
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