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care_bear bunny [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: -1

15 Oct 2009 07:56am

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

332 [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: 223	15 Oct 2009 04:22pm
	BEST THREAD EVER!!! keep em coming

care_bear bunny [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: -1

15 Oct 2009 04:24pm

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend. The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?" Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!" Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it........ A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars." "I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%... No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure. Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone? Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham." (ringing) Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..." Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million. The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question. There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara." Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it: A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush" Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo." Barbara: "You think?" Maggie: "I'm sure." Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up) Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?" Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo" Regis: "Is that your final answer?" Barbara: "It is." Regis: "Are you confident?" Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet." Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara." (clapping) That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest? Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

care_bear bunny [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: -1

15 Oct 2009 04:29pm

Speeding A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding. Officer: May i see your licence? Lady: what does it look like? Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it. The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer. The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.'

Lil Mrs.B [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: 0	16 Oct 2009 02:52am
	lol.. I created a monster with Care_bear posting jokes...lol

Lil Mrs.B [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: 0	16 Oct 2009 02:52am
	Rain n' Money Why did God create economists? To make weathermen look good!

Lil Mrs.B [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: 0

16 Oct 2009 03:06am

Only three doors An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Lil Mrs.B [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: 0	16 Oct 2009 03:09am
	As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

Lil Mrs.B [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: 0

16 Oct 2009 03:11am

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers." He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!" The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!" He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!" "And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

ShortStuff [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: 7	16 Oct 2009 03:56am
	love it Natas.

4708 [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: 0	16 Oct 2009 04:16am
	Quote by ShortStuff: love it Natas. Not cool.....

Lil Mrs.B [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: 0	17 Oct 2009 12:53am
	what's the matter Goo.. jealous. Np sweet heart. glad you like my stuff..(wink)

Lil Mrs.B [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: 0

17 Oct 2009 01:01am

There once was three guys who didn't have any money. or any food. They had been stealing food for the past couple of days and still wern't satiafied. One guy finally said ,"Wouldn't it be better to ask for food instead of stealing it ?" They all agreed so one day they went up to this house and rang the door bell . An old lady answered . They asked her for food . She said she would only give them food if they slept with her . The first guy refused and so did the second, but the third guy was so hungry that he agreed. She took him into her barn and said to get started. He said he wanted to blindfold her and she agreed because she was so desperate. Once blindfolded he took a piece of corn and started fucking her with it. He threw that piece of corn out the barn window and took another piece of corn and started fucking her with that one. Afterwards she fed him like she said she would and he left . The two other guys told him they couldn't believe he had done that for food, especially since they had found free corn around the side of the barn.

Lil Mrs.B [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: 0

17 Oct 2009 01:06am

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. Naughty, Naughty! Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?

care_bear bunny [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: -1	17 Oct 2009 08:42pm
	Quote by Natas.: lol.. I created a monster with Care_bear posting jokes...lol Haha, I am unstoppable

care_bear bunny [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: -1

17 Oct 2009 11:05pm

One day this girl, who is wearing a skirt, goes out to play with her friends. She goes to the park and meets a boy. They talk about climbing trees. The boy says to the girl: "Go on climb that tree." The girls climbs up and the boy just stands there and looks up to the girls pants. After a while the girl goes home and tells her mum about what happened. Her mum says: "oh my stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants." The next day she went out again with her skirt on and met THAT boy again. He told her to climb again and she did. when she got home she tells her mum what happened again and her mum says: "My stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants." The girl replied and said: "No actually I tricked him, this time i did not wear any pants!"

care_bear bunny [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: -1	17 Oct 2009 11:06pm
	A worried father confronted his daughter one night. "I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it." "Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month."

care_bear bunny [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: -1

17 Oct 2009 11:08pm

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!" The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

Lil Mrs.B [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: 0	18 Oct 2009 02:06am
	lol.. good ones

ShortStuff [inactive] Post Count: 0 Respect: 7	18 Oct 2009 04:45am
	oh hunny i'm sorry i thought it was a funny joke. sawry if i hurt your feelings i love you.